Medical students are frequently informed that “research experience” is both highly desirable and somehow easily accomplished between anatomy lab, clerkships, and board studying. This satirical narrative traces the typical medical student research journey—from the moment someone says “programs like to see scholarly activity” through mentor hunting, chart reviews, statistical bargaining, peer review purgatory, and the obligatory poster photo for residency applications. By exaggerating common experiences while remaining uncomfortably recognizable, the piece highlights how structural expectations, limited time, and uneven mentorship shape what students actually learn from research: not just methods and p-values, but how to ask answerable questions, protect their sanity, and decide whether they ever want to open statistical software again.